How to Make Friends or Become a Better Friend

What is Friendship in Simple Words?

Merriam-Webster defines friendship as the state of being friends. It further defines a friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” To me, a friend is someone you have a strong liking for, trust in, and enjoy spending time with.

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Sidenote

Did you know that Frenemy is a combination of the words, “friend” and “enemy“?

It is “a person who is or pretends to a be a friend but who is also in some ways an enemy or rival.” This is as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary.

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What’s another word for Friend?

Friend in local Nigerian languages – Aboki (Hausa), Ọrẹ (Yoruba), Enyi (Igbo).

Synonyms for friend include Chum, Mate, Buddy, Confidante, Homie. 

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I struggle to make friends, especially in new environments. The worst experience I can recall of this was my first week at the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) orientation camp in Obubra, Cross River State. It was there that I understood what it meant to feel alone in a crowd. It took what seemed like an eternity for me to make friends. One of my few friends was Kelechi. We remain good friends several years later.

Another challenge for me is keeping in touch after establishing a friendship. I never want the few close friends I have, to feel that I take them for granted and it probably looks that way when I don’t reach out. This is one area that still requires improvement.

It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that no man is an island. As humans, we have survived and thrived as a species out of an innate desire to bond with others.

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11 words/phrases to describe Qualities of a True Friend.

1. Unselfish. A friend is willing to share their time and resources and provide succour. One word that comes to mind about my vivacious friend, Ebele, is generous. She has a heart of gold. I remember how back in boarding school she would share her provisions and snacks with me.
2. Comforting. We all need a shoulder to cry on. A friend will cheer you up, offer encouragement, and sympathize with you when you are down in the dumps. Three phenomenal friends, Kelechi, AA, and TO, exemplified this trait to me in my dark days during the COVID-19 lockdown in the year 2020.
3. Loyal. Nobody wants a fair-weather friend. A good friend will stand up for you and be by your side through thick and thin. The person will defend you in your presence and absence, and not backstab you. “As my friend, don’t tell what someone said about me behind my back. Instead, tell me what YOU said when s/he said it.” – Cornelius Lindsey
4. Trustworthy. Without a shadow of a doubt, you know that your secrets or personal business that you shared in confidence with your friend won’t be found in the streets. A friend can also be trusted to reel you in when you’re going off course.
5. Fun. You must have fun times together where you laugh and enjoy each other’s company. My wonderful friend, AA, shares pictures of her cute dog and videos of his antics with me which I always find entertaining and tease her about.
6. Shared interests. It is commonly said that birds of a feather flock together, that is, people who have the same outlook, tastes or hobbies will be found in each other’s company. It would be weird to call someone your friend if you have nothing in common with them. This would be labelled a superficial friendship. I always enjoy conversing with my dear friend, MA. We have so much in common.
7. Non-judgmental. An unbiased and open-minded friend is a treasure. As far as I know, no one wants to have a faultfinder as a friend. We are all imperfect so it can be a hard pill to swallow when your friend delights in nit-picking.The saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me is erroneous. As overly critical or harsh words do hurt, sometimes long after it was said.
8. Truthful. A friend doesn’t beat about the bush in telling you the truth and calling out your bad behaviour or informing you about areas for self-improvement. This ought to be done with love and compassion as no one enjoys listening to censure. My amazing friend, AA has called me out a few times about being a latecomer. I had it coming as it’s a bad habit I am aware of. Since then, I have been working on being prompt.
9. The Benefit of the Doubt. Defined by Merriam-Webster as the state of accepting something/someone as honest or deserving of trust even though there are doubts. We expect our friends to trust us until we give them a reason not to. Until then, they aren’t supposed to hastily jump to wrong conclusions or just assume the worst or believe malicious gossip about us.
10. An Attentive Listener. How exasperating is it to pour your heart out to your friend and discover that your friend wasn’t paying attention at all? The skill of active listening during a conversation is so important.
11. Has Your Best Interests at Heart. A friend looks out for you. He/she is genuinely interested in your progress and concerned about your continued well-being. This will show in their words and actions. A classic example of this, my awesome friend, AA, told me about the Own Your Future challenge organised by Tony Robbins and Dean Graziosi in May 2021. This challenge inspired me to create this blog. You can imagine the impact that AA has made in my life by the simple gesture of sharing the information with me. If your friend keeps putting you in questionable situations, the person may be unworthy to be called your friend. Actions, it is said, speak louder than words.

While these eleven traits are must-haves in our friends, it is imperative that you also have the traits so you can be a better friend.

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Sidenote

Did you know that gossip can be positive, negative, or neutral?

According to Merriam-Webster, Gossip can refer to (1) a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others; (2) rumor or report of an intimate nature; (3) a chatty talk.

A Gossip or Gossiper refers to a person who gossips.

Negative gossip is intriguing, salacious but can be destructive. Talebearers are usually rated as less trustworthy after sharing the gossip. Be wary of a person who negatively gossips to you. Do remember that a person who will gossip to you, will gossip about you. Hence, be cautious about the info you trust a negative gossip with.

In a sense, the gossip is much worse than the blackmailer, for the blackmailer has given the blackmailed a chance to silence him. The gossip exposes the secret without warning. — Walter Block

Culled from https://mises.org/wire/block-defending-blackmailer

Orobi Bakhtiar in her article, Can Gossip in the Workplace be Positive? said that “Positive gossip is when information that could benefit a person or that results in people developing a positive view of that person is shared. Positive gossip involves sharing in people’s accomplishments and celebrating their achievements with them and with others.”

It has also been said that not all gossip causes harm, often, it is neutral.

Consider this,

Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys. — Joseph Conrad

The bottom line is everyone gossips. The issue is whether it is negative, positive, or neutral gossip.

If you want to skedaddle from negative gossip and focus on sharing more neutral or positive gossip, use the THINK approach.

So, next time you want to spill that delicious bit of gossip, ask yourself, is the info True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind?

Also please note that the stereotype about women gossiping more than men is false.

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Here are Six Signs that You may be a Toxic Friend

1. Manipulative – You artfully make your friend feel that they are always in the wrong even when it’s clear that you are at fault. You try to control your friend in an unfair manner by guilt-tripping them. The proverb a false friend is worse than an open enemy fully applies to you.
2. Self-centred – You believe that the sun rises and sets on you. Your needs come first. The conversation always revolves around you and your issues. You only reach out to your friend when you’re in urgent need of something from them.
3. Superficial care – You don’t give a hoot about your friend’s welfare and even if you do it’s only skin-deep or just for show.
4. Keeps malice – Holding grudges, being mean, and making catty comments is second nature to you. The words “I am sorry” are foreign to you. You never express regret for your bad behaviour instead you justify it.
5. Parasitic – Your friends feel emotionally drained after an encounter with you. Because like a black hole you keep taking from them without giving anything meaningful in return.
6. Drama – There’s always drama going on in your life and of course it is never your fault. There’s also a blatant refusal to take ownership even when you’re in the wrong.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

I don’t mean to hurt you but if several of the above words resonated, then it may be an indication that you are leaning toward the toxicity spectrum.

What can you do to change this behaviour? I am so glad you asked. The ensuing segment lists nine qualities you should consider developing so you can be a better friend.

Here’s how you can form new friendships or become a better friend:

• Be friendly. If you want a friend, be a friend. Being approachable and attentive will attract similar behaviour from other people.
• Be bold.  As an introvert, making friends sometimes takes courage. I recall that I walked up to a guy at the NYSC orientation camp in Obubra, Cross River State, and struck up a conversation with him. Eleven years later, the guy in question, Kelechi and I remain firm friends.
• Be dependable. This is aptly captured by the saying, A friend in need is a friend indeed i.e., a true friend offers help when one needs it most, unlike other people who may vanish when problems crop up.
• Be hospitable. I remember that my darling friend, Ebele graciously hosted me when I needed a place to crash in Abuja in December 2017.
• Be caring. Genuinely care and show interest in the person. Check your motive for being the person’s friend. Is it because you like the person, or could it be his/her/their possessions or status or position that appeals to you? Because if you have deceitful or insincere motivations when difficulties arise you will abandon the person. A false friend and a shadow stay only while the sun shines.
• Be honest. A friend’s eye is a good mirror. A friend can impart a candid opinion to one. Don’t be shy about calling out bad behaviour but do so with love.
• Be your true authentic self. Don’t pretend to be someone else or suppress your personality to please a friend as it’s not sustainable. You ought to feel comfortable expressing yourself to your friend. This will also require vulnerability and transparency on your part.
• Be civil. Rudeness is unattractive and shows bad manners.
• Be generous. Building close friendships take time, attention, and commitment else you drift apart. Messaging and video chat apps like WhatsApp make it easier to stay in touch. But nothing beats hanging out in person where possible.

1. Identify the traits you want in a friend. Not everyone can or should be your friend so it’s good to clearly know what you want in a friend.
2. Don’t force friendships. Be friendly but know that you cannot compel someone to be your friend. If they decline your offer of friendship, take it in stride and move on. Compelling someone to be your friend isn’t worth it.  You deserve better!
3. Evaluate your friendships. It’s interesting how we can sometimes draw a line between when we took a right turn or made a bad decision after listening to or acting on the advice of a friend. Some of us formed bad habits which became addictions due to the friends we had/have. Our friends have some level of influence over us, so it is important to select true friends and check the impact of our friendships in our lives.
4. Celebrate your friends. It’s essential that we do not take our friends for granted. We should frequently express our sincere appreciation to them. Compliment them, don’t flatter.
5. Know when to hold on or let go. A proverb says, “Even the best of friends must part.” This means that people will inevitably separate from one another. Friends are for seasons, some last a lifetime, others for a period of our lives. Regardless of the duration, be the best friend anyone could hope for and when it’s time to part do so on good terms where possible.

Remember that your bestie was once a stranger to you.

Please share in the comments, what friendship means to you? What’s the word for friend in your local dialect? What challenges have you faced in making and keeping friends? What are the most important traits you treasure in your friends?